Wednesday, Jul. 02, 2003, 9:18 a.m.: seriously...

Happy Canada Day!!! Well it was really yesterday, but you know. I didn't go see fireworks or anything...I never really do. The only time I use to was when I was smoking alot of weed, and it wasn't really for the fireworks that we were out on the rocks and shit. I do love them though, but I like the huge massive ones that are really worth watching. M.R. came down yesterday and we washed his car together...we're going to do mine this w/e. He pissed me off though and I started to get majorly moody near the end of the day. I don't apprecitate it when he purposely tries to push my buttons. I'm not sure if it's b/c he likes the reaction he gets from me or if he's just testing my feeings...but it drives me fucking crazy. I still feel the remnants of it today and I don't like it. I still can't figure out why I let certain people control my emotions this way. I have to find a way to stop it. Normally I just turn myself off and then I become numb to everything, but I don't necessarily think that's the best way to deal with it. I've gotta catch my brain, in the early stages, and fucking stop it that way. I sort of understand now why my ex was so emotionally unattached to me...it fucking hurts alot if you care too much. Of course I'm not one to want to take the easy way out, but this emotional shit is killing me.

I'm going to cut my hair off today. I'm sick of the way it looks right now and I just want to change it. I'm going to bob it and then graduate it, with short bangs. I think I'm also going to dye it dark brown. I should get it to a color that can just stay natural for a while. I love the red, but it's too hard to keep up and I can't keep the bright color I want. I have to get all boring and 'normal' for this acting shit so that I can be versatile. Fucking gag me, please!!! I'm also going to go in and kick my ass @ the gym again today, cause I need to get out some serious agression.

Love, CAT xXx