Wednesday, May. 28, 2003, 8:56 a.m.: bored shitless...

I'm trying to think of something worth while to write a/b. For the last while it's all been a/b what I have to do for my acting or what projects are upcoming, etc. It's getting redundant and fucking boring. I come in here, set up, then sit down and type, and all that comes out is this obsessive banter a/b the 'work' I have to do. It kinda sucks. I think I'm due for something new in my life. I cannot feel stagnant for very long and it's not exactly stasis per se, but I hate feeling like I'm just suspended in limbo. Something is missing here. I feel like I've progressed in so many ways, in my life. I'm so much further emotioanlly, spiritually, etc... and I'm happier than I've ever been. For some reason I'm always very aware of how I have to grow emotionally. It's almost become a mission for me...to excel as an individual. To pick apart my 'issues' and see where they come from, why they're there and if I don't like them I fix them. It's as if I'm consciously aware of how I am shaping myself as a person. I manipulate my surroundings and myself to achieve what I desire. In a sense I've become my own therapist. I try to do this for other people too, but I find that many do not have the desire to change. Alot of people are scared shitless. Me, I'm compelled forward for some reason. Well, I think that's enought for me today. Huh, maybe I'm scared too.

Love, CAT xXx