Thursday, May. 01, 2003, 9:00 a.m.: amaze me...

So, I'm going to re-cap two days for you. I'm feeling like shit today and I think it's b/c of the weather. It's raining and muggy and I can't stand it like this. But, let's go back a bit...Tuesday night I had an audition to go to, where I met up with M.R. I was already in a shitty mood. He had messed up our plans again and I wanted to kill. So I figured I would use the rage I felt to my advantage during the audition. Unfortunately it ended up sort of back firing on me, b/c M.R. was being a perfect gentleman to me, in the beginning, and I was just not willing to let him. I kept pushing firther and further away...or @ least I tried to. I always feel that when I look @ guys, he gets all fucked up and starts to retaliate by trying make me jealous [to which he does very well]. Now, I do NOT discriminate...I look @ chicks the same way I look @ guys [if they're hot]. I try to keep it equal. We had to wait a bit b/c there were so many people there. He introduced me to a friend of his and then proceeded to talk a/b chicks whenever I would steal glances @ guys...which just ended up fueling my anger even more. To make a really long and intricate story short, we went into the audition [together] and blew them away. We always do when we act together. Our chemistry is so apparent that you'd have to be blind not to notice. I felt really good a/b the performance I gave and when we left he was obviously feeling the same b/c his ego started to shoot thru the roof. Normally I can handle that kind of shit from him, but I was in no mood to deal with it. Instead of bringing my excitement up a/b how wel WE did, it pissed me off more. So I started to turn into a real bitch...complete with my sarcastic comments and domineering behaviour. We were suppose to go see a movie, but he changed it to coffee. So we walked to a nearby coffee shop and sat down for a bit. A/f a whole shit load of jerky irrational behaviour from him, and the emergence of his asshole side, I just said fuck it and blew my lid just a bit. Personally we shouldn't have even bothered going to coffee b/c it ended up being such a waste and a sad poor excuse of a conversation that I would have been better off asleep. I explained my irritation, over the night, the whole way back to his car and I think it was bothering him. It seems like he does not handle confrontation very well. So we get in his car and he drives me over to where my car is and he's driving like a total maniac. I'm making it worse by being loud and abnoxious with him and making him totally loose his composure. He misses my lot and then decides to pull into the next one, but we get stuck in a dead end. When I saw that, I all of a sudden stopped talking and became very quiet and subdued. I had this feeling that he was not in the right state of mind and that he should not be bothered while trying to back out of where we were. Sure enough as he goes to back out he ends up scraping the whole side of his car. Now, he's freaking even more and I'm sort of laughing in my head thinking... serves you right for being a dick with me. When I'm in the situation all I can see is myself being attacked and hurt, but when I'm out and I start to think a/b it...I realize what part I play in the whole thing. When I got home I felt really bad for what happened. It was as if I had frazzled him so much more, than he already was, that he just lost it. I think he's very sensitive to his surroundings, and the fact that he's such a control freak didn't help. I am so all over the place and you never know where I'm gonna go next if I'm pissed. That night ended in destruction and sadly enough I was happy a/b it.

I ended up making amends the next day, b/c I felt that I had a part in the whole ordeal and I should be upfront a/b it. I care so much a/b this guy that my emotions can be so deeply effected by him. There are very few people who can do this to me. It's a struggle though b/c I have to constantly keep myself in check, b/c I cannot let him interfere totally with my life. I have things that need to be done and accomplished and this boy has the potential to take over my life. I feel as if I'm walking this very fine line with him all the time. I want to be with him so badly, but I know that @ this point in time I can't be. Luckily for me, he's the one with more self control than I am.

So fast forward to yesterday night. I make it to rehearsal, late, and he's outside on the phone. He's waving me down and it's looking like he's really excited and has to tell me something. Well, doesn't it turn out that the director from the audition called him up and said that we were so good together...that we had so much chemistry...he and his writer want to base their own story a/r us. So, we didn't score the one but we get another one for the sole purpose of merging us together on film. I'm not even exaggerating when I say it's very apparent how well we work together. I was shocked to shit yesterday! To say the least. We're going to sit down in a couple of weeks to talk a/b it all.

Today I'm heading to an audition @ noon. This time, the director from the pilot I did on Saturday called me up and said he thinks I would be perfect for a role in his pilot. This is all so amazing to me, how career wise it's falling into place. I mean, I still have no agent, but that will come in time. All I know is that people like what I can do and I'm in demand right now...that's a fucking great thing!!! I have a tendency to dwell on the negative, @ times, and it feels like such shit. I'm really happy a/b how things are going for me in this sphere of my life and I should be thankful. I mean, all in all, this is why I do this. It's to get recognition and praise and ultimately to give and get love from those a/r me. I'm accomplishing that and if I don't enjoy it now I'm going to let it pass me by and then I'll be really pissed. Tonight, I'm heading to a call-back so I'd better get a good part in this film. We'll see...I'll let you know tomorrow!

Funny story. @ rehearsal last night, the director was talking to us and this thought flashed through my mind of this girlfriend who hadn't called me in ages. It occured to me that her birthday was coming up and that I didn't even know what day it was on. When I left and got into my car that night, I checked my messages and sure enough she had called and invited me out for her birthday. I'm really good with shit like this. Now, I decided I can't go b/c she's been a distant and unreliable twat and she doesn't deserve me @ her get together. She's not someone I want as a friend.

Love, CAT xXx