Tuesday, Feb. 11, 2003, 8:54 a.m.: a day of frigidity...

@ the gym yesterday, this guy told me I looked like I was losing weight. I was like 'WHAT?!'. I mean I'm not complaining, but I don't want to get to the point where I'm looking really scrawny and boney. I want to look healthy and toned. So I guess I've just been still putting out more energy than I'm intaking. I sort of switch back and forth, from knowing that I can take the extra calories to keeping them all out of my diet. I suppose I still have some of my habits from my younger days ingrained into me. I notice I have to be extremely cautious of how I am in almost every surrounding otherwise I tend to lose control in one way or another. It sort of forces me to live this kind of self-absorbed existence but it's called for...for now @ least.

I was late to my audition yesterday. Pissed me off, cause I ended up bombing it. I had no time to prepare and was way to nervous and just not calm enough to deliver a good read. I was angry, but it was my own fault. From now on I HAVE to be @ every audition 15 mins early (@ least) so that I can take my time and ingest the scene and perform it up to par. This part would have been great for me too, but as my girl friend said yesterday: If I'm meant to get it, I'll get it even with being late and shit. So that puts me @ ease, except for the fact that I need to make sure (from now on) that I don't blow any of my chances @ getting any parts. I'll just write yesterday off totally, in my mind. Keeps me sane. Otherwise I keep thinking of ways I could have done it better. I also noticed that on my low emotional days I take shit so much harder than on my up days. There are just so many things I have to do to keep myself balanced...it's some hard work. The fact that I'm completely aware of these things too forces me to do it, otherwise I have to deal with the depression...FUCK!! I mean, it is a good thing though.

I've got an audition, for our version of 'American Idol', on Thursday. Not to sing though...it's to act as host. We'll see how that goes. I'm not sure what they're going to want me to do, but I'll just have to wing it either way. This would be good too, cause it's an actual paid gig. Something I wont be too familair with until I @ least score an agent.

So today is apparently the coldest day of the year. We're @ -31, with the wind chill. Lovely eh?? Although I'm sure it's much colder in some places. Alright, fuck, I wont bitch but I am anticipating the summer...already. Ciao!

Love, CAT XXX