2002-07-30, 8:53 a.m.: another morning in the life of...

It's another hot and humid day today. This whole summer we've been getting killer hot weather. I love it! It's just really amazing cause it's unusual for us to get this kind of weather all summer long. Last night we had some tornado warnings...nothing critical though happened. I didn't see any houses flying off over the rainbow, although it would have been very enjoyable.

So my moving situation is sort of up in the air @ the moment. Apparently the girl who I'm suppose to be mving in with is having a tough time convincing her landlord a/b me. He wants a student in there with her cause then he's guaranteed they wont stay too long. I mean, fuck, I'm not planning on staying very long either (which I told her), but fuck...I don't want to stress this chick out anymore than she already is right now. I know though, that if I went over there and met the landlord he'd most definately let me stay...for sure. The other prob is that he is also looking for someone who is willing to take over the lease, a/f 'she' decides to leave, and stay there for a more extended period of time. Now, call me crazy here...but isn't that a total fucking contradiction of the situation. This whole I want a student or someone who is willing to stay a long time. I have a feeling that someone is hiding something somewhere...and most likely it's this fucking landlord. Which is a double shit b/c he never got her to sign a lease which means he can pretty much do what he wants...yes?! So my home situation is up in the damn air again, and while I'm not stressing over it it's still annoying. I may end up alone again somewhere, which really isn't bad cause I like being alone too. Blah blah blah.

Tonight I have my last acting class where I have to do my monologues back-to-back. I've been really emotioanl this past week and shit so I think I'm going to nail them. I just have to make sure I don't get distracted by the people in the class. I have to go in there and ignore everything a/r me. I started thinking...why should I even give these people the time of day during class. I'm suppose to be concentrating and focusing and that's what I am going to do from now on. Socializing can be left for a/f. That's my new rule!! So tonight I get to be a drunk and emotioanl lesbian fashion designer, an egotistical sociopath, and a manipulative sex kitten. I'm going to leave a tad mixed up. I AM NOT a drunk lesbian hahahah!

I haven't gotten back to my ex yet. I don't really know what to say to him. I'm stuck in this feeling that he is under the impression that he has helped me so much and that I have done nothing for him. I mean I thought a/b it deeply yesterday and I get this notion that he really thinks I should be greatful and all worshipping to him b/c of how he helped me grow in my life. Now, come the fuck on. I will admit he taught me alot, but isn't that what the people in your life are suppose to do? It's like he feels like god in that he created this 'great' person I am today. Doesn't that take ownership away from me in the whole situation? I think so...and he fails to recognize that although he helped me grow his way of doing it was terribly cruel. If it had been anyone else they would have been ruined for the worse...hmmm...maybe I am, who knows. I just think he hasn't yet owned up to any of his wrongs in order to make them right. Instead he focuses on all that he did for me in order to deal better. Maybe that's what I should tell him. He can't just sit there and be so egotistical in this whole thing...it's very childish. What a/b me? See, I'm back to it again. Okay, finito!

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Love, CAT XXX