2002-06-20, 8:47 a.m.: a surreal experience...

Yesterday night, a/f rehearsal, I went out with the guy who got the part I had wanted in 'Black and White'. Can I just say that I am in fucking love...and lust, of course. I don't really know what to think a/b the whole night. I mean @ first I was just drawn to him. The first thing I said when I saw him was 'This guy is just like me'. Sexually drawn to him...yes, extremely, but it was something else too. So we're out and I'm telling you this guy totally opened up to me. Like, we're talking severely opened up to me which is highly unusual for me to find this in someone so soon. Ususally when somebody is that open with me I loose my attraction to them, b/c I can view it as a weakness (don't ask why, my brain just works that way). Strong to me means (or use to mean) someone who could keep their emotions and feelings @ bay. I guess that's changed, cause I still wanted to fuck this guy. Infact, the more he told me and the more we talked the better he started to look to me even. I felt as if I was glowing in the world with him...and it was just me and him in this world of fucked up people and hurt. Then he goes and tells me how strange he feels b/c usually he never talks as much as he did with me...he never reveals this much to someone in one day. I wanted to explode with excitement and joy, but I just smiled @ him as if I knew why he was so able to open himslef to me. I didn't kiss him even @ the end of the night. I gave him a huge hug and told him I'd see him Friday. I could've hugged him forever. As I drove home I was in astonishment and awe. I felt fucking star struck almost. I don't really know how to explain it but it's almost as if I know we have been brought together for some reason. Maybe I'm just aware of the mystic going ons of the universe more so than others and I'm just sensitivve to these things. All I know is that I've never felt this way talking to someone sober. I almost felt as if I was on 'e' with him. It was quite surreal really.

I'm a real believer that people come into your life for a reason. Everything has a higher purpose. He was so spiritual that he literally enlightened me right there on the spot. I love this guy as a person. He's such an extraordinary human being, I never thought it was possible to meet somebody like him. I have no expectations here. I just know what I felt and how I felt and I will never forget this guy ever. I WILL fuck him too. ;-)~

I told him a/b my oral sex hang up. I enjoy giving oral sex, but it has to be where I am in a position of power over someone. If I have the feeling @ all that I am inferior (for whatever reason) I WILL not do it. It's psychological for me and my logic may not be logical @ all to anybody else, but it is to me. Well, I have a strong feeling that he is going to get his dick sucked ALOT by me. The strange thing is it's got nothing to do with feeling superior to him. I don't feel either...I just feel something. Okay, I'm totally going off on a tangent here, but this had to be noted.

Love, CAT XXX