2002-05-31, 9:05 a.m.: holy fucking shit, have you heard of a word called RESPECT...

Yesterady was another fucking treat of a day, I got to deal with. I arrive home to find the 'guys' there again. Now I said it b/f and I don't mind them being over...but all the time? It gets a little much. So I had to quickly make dinner and then sit down and eat it, with them a/r me. Hardly any relaxation time and on top of that I ended up in a screaming match or rather a match of 'opinions', over some comment I made a/b Whitney Houston. No first it was cause I made a comment on how the American 'black' culture glorified in rap videos and shit is very similar to how the Italian mafia was glorified back in the day (and still is to some extent, to this day. I made a statement a/b how the attitudes are very similar and the whole 'my balls are biger than you balls' is the same. In essence I was drawing a parrallel. Of course myself being Italian...they must have taken this comment as being personally against them, since they are in love with the glorified shit they see on t.v. and they are neither of color, black or olive. Enter attempt to disprove my theory...bringing in comments on the Russian mob and how there are so many other mafias a/r blah blah and I can't just generalize. Ah hello, you missed the point a/b the glorified culture and superior attitudes, which was my point. So whatever, I'm right anyways. Then the Whitney issue comes up where I, again, comment on how I don't like her cause she's fucking totally lost herself in her persona and is wasting her talent and life away with drugs. Again...'Well that's her choice and, everyone can make mistakes in life'. Now come the fuck on, what is wrong with this picture here. Firstly in my house it seems I can't even make a god damn comment anymore w/o some smart ass throwing in his stupid opinion which really has nothing to do with my general comment in the first place. I don't give a shit if people make mistakes. So what...I've made many. What I did say was that she has lost herself in her addiction and she no longer is someone whom I would respect. She can go snort her fucking life away for all I care...it's too bad actually, but as far as talent goes she's wasting it all away. Since when have these guys become Whitney fans anyways?! I know it may sound trivial, but a little respect for our opinions now, common. It was just a night of battles and I was pissed cause this guy who pipes up really just wants to hear himself speak cause he had no reason to really say what he said...fucking asshole. Asshole! It had NOTHING to do with MY comment. Of course sensing the pure stupidity in him and his lack of intelligence in the situation I started to get rude with him. I know I should have been the bigger person and risen above it all and just left it @ that, but he was getting on my nerves. He's lucky I stopped there. It's amazing how some people are.

Then I go to rehearsal and we find that our space was being used. So we all have to walk to a coffee shop and go through our rehearsal there. It was difficult cause I haven't been on stage yet, off book, and I really was hoping to get it in yesterday. I want a feel of my actions while knowing my lines...I think it will really help. So a/f that, which I felt was mostly a waste, cause not everyone was there, I get home to find... Yup, more guys sitting in my living room. Thoroughly pisses now b/c I can't even come home to a quiet home @ night, on a fucking weekday, I went straight to my room. FUCK!! I felt like a little girl in my own home, going to my room. But I knew that if I sat out there with them, first of all the battle with the first guy would not have ended cause I know myself, and second of all I would have made it very very uncomfortable for them. Of course my being in my room also made them uncomfortable cause they knew I was pissed, but what the fuck was I suppose to do? So I decided to get some more of my routine written out and I read over my script and set my schedule for next week. I even wrote a poem/song a/b respect in the process to vent. An hour later I went out and made a bitchy appearance cause they were being so damn loud. Have some respect for the person whose home you're in. I mean I know it's half his, but where the fuck do I come in in the equation here. A/f that they got up and left and the boy slept out on the couch, as if I had done something wrong. I was so mad this morning and we got into a huge fight, where he tried to make me feel guilty for everything. Telling me he's moved out for MY benefit cause it was so bad @ home for me, etc etc. Such a load of shit cause he wanted to move out too. He hated living where he did. The nerve of people and their attempt @ guilt tripping. Please, all I ask for is time for myself alone in my home SOME time.

Someone please tell me if I'm being the selfish one here, cause I strongly believe otherwise. So my night, although it was roomy in my bed, sucked. On top of that there's this fucking HOT guy in my theatre group who can make me cum just by sitting near me. I am so trying to keep my distance, but I always find myself gravitating towards him. I mean it's evident that there is some serious chemistry between us. I'm torn quite frankly and it sucks cause I end up switching from overly friendly to being very aloof and I hate it. I block myself off and I know I shouldn't do that, but I'm scared as to where it might go if I don't. It's so fucking complicated in my head. I should just let myself go though, otherwise I'm not being true to who I am, right? I try to not even think a/b this. This is the first time I've actually really thought a/b it. Most of the time it's just my physical self telling me I want him, my emotional self saying we totally connect and then my mental self telling me to chill the fuck out, over and over. Ahhhhhhh. So if I just let it be what it will be, I think it will be fine. Yes.

take the antisocial test.
and go to mewing.net. because laura's feeling social. Love, CAT XXX