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Thursday, Mar. 18, 2004, 10:22 a.m.: deep...

Nothing is ever what it seems. I've always said that, thought that, understood that. The shell is only an illusion, a facade. I don't know what hurts more...the knowing of someone so deeply and then the loss of them or the never understanding and then the loss of them. What you don't know can't hurt you right? Well I know now and I could get burned here...hard. I'm open and exposed and almost fully naked...willing to surrender. All I can count on is that 'what shall be shall be'...and I have control over it only to a certain extent. Passed that it's up to the universe to determine. I've never loved being so vulnerable as I do right now.

Today I have my call-back to go to. They want to see my chemistry with the lead guy. It's going to take a/b 30mins he said. I'm curious as to what they want me to do. When I think a/b it I get this feeling in my gut, my adrenaline starts pumping and I get ready to fight. I have to imagine how I would react to a boy that I have as my 'prisoner', originally pegged as my muse, but eventually turning into my obsession. I'm a strange girl that's for sure and I don't know how to relate to people on a socially acceptable ['normal'] level. If I can really get lost in this it should be very fun. I just want to be swallowed up by this character, just completed possessed by her. I have to leave in a/b an hour.

<3 ~CAT~ xXx