Thursday, Feb. 03, 2005, 3:14 p.m.: twisted...

I had this terrible dream last night. I have no idea what the hell it means or where in my psyche I cam up with this, but I'd really like to know. I dreamt that I had this growth attached to my pussy. It reminded me of a spider, or a tarantula. It was black and had like 8 long legs that dangled down to my mid thigh and it was fucking hideous. It was like suctioned on and I didn't know how to get rid of it. @ one point I thought I could cut it off and I remember feeling scared b/c I didn't know if I would bleed to death or not. I was walking a/r with this thing attached to me, shopping with friends and everything just constantly thinking a/b it...not knowing what to do to get rid of it. It was an obsession and I would show it to everyone who I thought may have some insight for me. It was the most whacked shit I've dreamt in a very long time. Just thinking a/b it this morning almost made me physically ill...it was so disgusting. I told K a/b it and he said that I was probably worried a/b my vagina. The last couple of days I've been so sore after sex I'd be burning. K would have to make sure not to hit certain spots so that I wasn't in pain. I guess I thought that something may be wrong with me and so my psyche just translated that into the grotesque thing that was hanging from between my legs. Go figure huh. I'm feeling sick right now. But ya, that could be a possibility.

Other than that, I'm exhausted physically. I woke up early today to go to the gym and do my weights and now tonight I'm going to go back to do spin. I am going to be fucking beat! Tonight tho after the gym, I'm heading over to K's so that we can just eat, relax and make love. He says I'm a cat b/c all I want to do is eat, have sex and sleep, when I'm a/r him. That is not totally true, but he makes me feel so calm and relaxed that it's very easy to just be lazy sometimes with him. Any other time I'm so tense and stressed and wound up and he just gives me a feeling of peace, so I can see how he'd make the referance. It's interesting how much he can keep me balanced.

I went to another audition yesterday. I got to leave work early and head downtown. This was for a series of 1 minute vinettes, where I would be presenting skin care consultaions with an expert and some contest winner. I felt like I did a good job, but seriously these things are just so unpredictable. The casting chick liked me but she's not the one to do the final choosing. I saw a couple girls there that I have been seeing EVERYWHERE...which means that they are my total competition. I realized sitting there, and watching as they took pics of each of us, how insecure actors really are. It was so interesting...everybody was so awkward and nervous and worried if they looked good in their pic or not. Then I thought to myself, 'Shit, I hope I don't sound that fucking annoying myself?!'. What a strange dichotomy, the bussiness of performing which usually entails much confidence and then the insecurity that comes with always hoping you look [are] good enough [in every way] to get picked for the role. It's a head game really. I'm use to them...must be why I'm drawn to this profession. Fucked.