Wednesday, Nov. 24, 2004, 9:43 a.m.: freak attack...

It's Wednesday morning. I feel awake today and renewed. I only slept 5.5 hrs last night b.c. I wanted to get up and go to the gym this morning, which I did. I had a bit of a break-down last night, when K pulled my skirt up assed my ass in the elevator. I caught a glimpse of myself like that and got it in my head that I looked fat. I started freaking out and we argued the whole way home...me driving and him talking to me on my cell, from his place. I felt like I'd been slacking on the gym more so, since I've been with him and I took out my anger on him. Everytime he'd try to give me a sloution, I thought he was trying to fuck up my work-out routine even more. I got so pissed that I said some things I didn't really mean to him and eventually got off the phone, short of hanging up in his face. This morning when I woke up, I felt like shit. But when I went to the gym and did my work-out I felt rejuvinated...a little thick still, but good. I've been putting on more muscle and it's bulking me up a bit, so I'm begining to get scared I guess. I called him to apologize as soon as I finished my work-out...he didn't deserve the way I acted, but I was really upset. He understood and knew where my head space was last night, which made me feel better. I've decided to really monitor my food I intake now, even more so than we were doing. It's so important to my sanity, you don't even know. Tonight, I'm going back to do my cardio spin class. I'll be away all weekend so I have to make sure I get all my work-outs in between now and then.

The evening @ my parents went well tho last night...much better than I had expected. We sort of caught everyone off guard and I guess they hadn't prepared their fakeness for him. We were all laughing and talking, sitting a.r. the dinner table. It was actually...nice. The news almost leaked to my little sister that K and I are engaged. We were checking my email, all 3 of us, and I opened an email from this guy I know. I had just sent him a message telling him I was newly engaged and he replied to me, asking a.b. my 'fiance' and she saw it. Her eyes just widened and she froze with the smile on her face. I had to cover it up a bit, so I told her that I told the guy I was engaged to get him off my back, b.c. he was interested in me. She seemed to accept that and just let it go, but I think in the back of her mind she thinks that maybe her big sister is going to be getting married soon. I can tell she really likes K tho, they get along well.

My demos are almost finished. We've been working on them for the last month. K has a friend who is a wiz @ editing and he took my demo on as his project. We've been buying him bottles of wine here and there, as a thank you, and he's worked so hard on it. He even did up labels for the front of it so it looks all professional and he agreed to copy it to 25 dvds [each takes like 30 mins to record]. I swear he is awesome!! Soon I will be able to mail them out to casting directors here and in the US. Next on the list is K's demo, but he's still waiting for some footage that he wants to use on it. I keep getting antsy with my agent. So far I've had only 2 auditions with her and I've been signed to her roster since September. That's not good @ all, in my opinion. I don't know what to do tho, b.c. nobodyelse seems to really be going out either. This is a bad time for working and it sucks!! Oh well, it's giving me time to be with the one I love and really enjoy his company. Everything happens for a reason I suppose.