Monday, Jul. 26, 2004, 9:46 a.m.: too much...

Too much, too much this weekend. Too much alcohol and too much of that white fluffy stuff that I really shouldn't be doing. Gawd, I hate the shit but when it's offered to me for free I just take it...I don't know why. I think it's the art of putting lines up my nose, that attracts me to the stuff, b/c it really does nothing else for me. Well, nothing that not eating combined with coffee and working-out can't do. I wonder a/b the allure of it for other people. I think it effects people differently and thank fuck it has hardly any on me. So Friday night turned into Saturday morning, in the blink of an eye, and b/f I knew it we were heading out to a club @ 11pm again. We all thought we were going to have the time of our lives @ this club, with this old dj we use to party to/with. He turned out to not be that great and the crowd was shit, AGAIN. Fuck, I had to watch the go-go dancers to keep myself inspired. It didn't help that we all smoked a joint b/f walking into the place...BIG FUCKING MISTAKE!!! How quickly we forget that bud b/f dancing just makes you want to sit in one spot and chill. I was trying to pull the energy out of myself to dance and the girls I was with were total dead-beats and it was pissing me off. Finally, they started to move and it got a bit better. I think we're going to say 'screw it' to that place for a while though. We didn't realize till we left that it was the joint that made us feel so heavy in the club. Note to self->bud is only for b/f bed, winding down and relaxing. Drill that into my head!! Tomorrow is the Prince concert...I can't wait to go. I've got pretty good seats and we're hopefully going to have a blast. I only say 'hopefully' b/c the guy I was suppose to go with is now taking his new girlfriend and I don't really want to bump into them there. I'm not sure if I'm ready to be seeing them together, all couplish and shit, while I'm somewhat seething b/c she has what I wasn't ready to have. Hey, I have feelings too!

One more week and I'm off to NYC. I booked my flight so I'm all set there. I just have to exchange some money and make sure that I'll have enough for when I'm there. My girlfriend has decided that she wants to just chill when I get there and I'm like, 'fuck that, we're partying man!!!' I didn't decide to head down to NY and spend all that $$ just to sit on someone's couch and hang out!!! Even if I have to go out myself, I will...seriously. Either that or I'm going to leave early. I just keep telling myself to think positively and not worry a/b anything till I get there. I also have the opportunity to go to LA now, with the new guy, on Sept long weekend. I just have to cover plane tix and he said everything else will be covered for me. I haven't decided yet what I want to do there. I really like him and we mesh so well and he totally gets me, so far, but I'm not sure if I wanna get into an exclusive thing with him. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. I'll just have to tell him and go from there, I guess. I really don't like this relationship stuff...it's so much head-ache for me, no matter which way I look @ it. I will though, continue to think positive here too and I want to be honest with everyone that I'm going to be with. That's really the bottom line. This probably means I wont be fucking him then either [b/c I think he's looking for strings attached here]...which really sucks ass but there are other things we can do to take it's place, you know. I need to leave to go pick-up my pills from the clinic, so I hope this client leaves soon.