Tuesday, Jul. 13, 2004, 10:16 a.m.: pain's pleasure...

Today is the BIG day. I've got my agent interview and I'm looking that the universe is on my side today. It's not the greatest day out...it's cloudy and over-cast and humid. My hair is frizzing already and thank fuck I wore this hat b/c my head would have been a disaster w/o it. So strike one for the weather. I'm not in the best emotional place right now either. I'm trying to put myself together again following another pain that I don't want to go into. Strike two for that. Well, since three is my lucky number [or anything in a multiple of 3] I'll take the fact that there is no strike three as a good sign. I'm just going to go in there and talk to the guy and be myself...that's all I can do. Okay but, check out my oufit first, I'm wearing this yellow towel dress, over white capri cargo pants and my new electric blue/white sneaker stilletos. Nice or what?? Oh and my white hat too.

I hung out with the Middle Easetern guy again yesterday...we'll call him S. I found out he was high the night I met him, which would explain his ranting and smooth talking. Fuck, he's the same way sober though...he can talk anything into sounding positive. It's a great tool to have. It's funny too b/c alot of what he says I agree with. He started prying a bit asking me if I had a boyfriend, and if not, why I didn't. I told him that I can't find anyone who's willing to deal with me yet. I like him...I feel comfortable with him...but he's such a yapper. And when I say yapper, it's not just trivial shit he talks a/b, he goes deep into things where you really have to think a/b what he's saying. I can stay on track for a while and then I get thrown off and I start to think he's just full of shit. I'm noticing that's a normal occurence with guys now that I like. I should probably just listen to him when I'm sober, to judge better. I had smoked last night so we were all high and he's much more expressive with his thoughts than I am. I need to get away from all the sneaky fuckers and deal with people who are just straight the fuck up and honest. I'm becoming pretty cynical though.

See, this stupid bull-shit has thrown me for a loop again. I'm back to missing what I was suppose to do and falling back on my work. The only thing I can keep straight during bull-shit times is working out, b/c I have so much agression to release. I need to release...purge...and replenish. Like the phoenix, once again, I need to be re-fucking-born. Like you know I was born to be an actor right...I'm so fucking dramatic. The truth is that I feel all this shit so deeply, truly. It's my pain and my pleasure I guess, but I've always known this a/b myself.