Tuesday, Jun. 29, 2004, 9:47 a.m.: human...

My girlfriend text messaged me the other day. I forgot to mention this. This is the one that wouldn't own up to any of her selfish behavior and then threatened me with war if we got into a discussion, to try to scare me out of talking a/b a situation that would put her in the wrong. Anyways a/f I told her all the things I needed to say, that I couldn't deal with anymore, she basically told me that its just too bad b/c that's the way she is [too bad for me] and sorry our friendship has to end this way. I took that as a blessing in disguise b/c I was up to my eyelids in her shit and wasn't willing to deal with her one sided attitude anymore...so I let her go, w/o a regret a/b it. Come Sunday, a/b what, 2 months a/f this all happened, she decides to leave me a message. In the message she apologized for her reaction to the situation but maintained that she has problems with me as well. I don't see how a discussion a/b her attitude and how it effects ME warrants her to stay on the offensive and hold my 'supposed' issues above my head. This is the girl who chose to avoid conflict b/c she thought it would cause less problems...now she's right ready to throw shit in my face. There's a time and a place for things...and if I'm hurting b/c of something she did, that's not the time to bring up my 'issues'. Fuck...what the fuck is wrong with these people?! Get a grip man! I'm still not willing to talk to her, b/c frankly I don't believe that she really feels she dealt with me the wrong way. I think she's @ a point where she really needs my friendship b/c I was always the one there for her and now she's going crazy with her own drama and nobody is there to pull her out of it. Is it cold to have no room for forgiveness in this case? I don't think so. I have shit I need to deal with right now, never mind having to put up with her draining selfish crap. It's sad that she can only swallow her pride when it suits her and even then she can't swallow her pride...it's impossible. I am so fed up.

Sometimes I wonder if it's me who has the problem. You know, is it my lack of forgiveness once somebody's really crossed the line that causes these situations and break ups of relationships? I came to the conclusion that no, it's their tendency to take advantage of my patience and compassion that drives us all to the end. I always test people now, b/c if you show people your weakness [or supposed weakness] and then they use it against you...you know there's definate abuse of 'power' going on. I am able to balance that possible abuse of power in me, towards others...@ least that's how I see myself. And maybe, b/c of that, that makes me less tolerant of others. Human nature disgusts me @ times, what can I say?! Do I believe I'm above everyone else? No. I guess I just have higher standards.