Thursday, Jun. 24, 2004, 9:55 a.m.: fuck me...

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See, I've suffered through withdrawl b/f when I was physically and mentally dependant on drugs. I think I can shake emotional dependance as well. It's pretty obvious I'm hurting...I really can't win b/c I just can't live either with or without the guy. It's all very fucked and confusing to me. My anger and hurt is making me run away though. I'm finding myself taking it out @ the gym and through my work. I don't know how else to deal with this and I don't think I'll be hearing from him anytime soon. I guess I will remain a fucking hopeless romantic though. Open me up and pour my heart out and then step all over it, I'll still get back up and try to love again. That's one thing I believe in, taking in all the pain and still having the ability to try to love again. That's real strength and if I can manage to acheive that to some extent, I'll be satisifed. As human beings we let out fear of pain dictate our lives...I still love the pain though b/c it makes the pleasure that much better. Now to find the pleasure.