Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2004, 9:51 a.m.: complicated...

Oh happy day!! Yea, that was slightly sarcastic there. Actually I shouldn't get down now...I mean, things are good. I have my health, my family and friends are healthy. I HAVE a family and friends. Family's a bit messed sometimes but they mean well...like all of us I guess. We all try our best, sometimes we just don't know how to relate. I'm blessed with very good friend's though. They are closer to me than my family and that's not really that odd, I guess. I come from an Italian family and I've been brought up with the understanding that blood is thicker than water and family should be tighter than anything. The thing is that I never felt that my 'family' was really concerned for me, in my best interest, so I always found it hard to come to terms with the whole contradiction of things. It took a very long time for me b/c I value family very much. All I can hope for is that one day, when I have a family of my own, I will always make sure that I take into consideration the true needs of my family and that I can feed those needs properly. Scary shit, that is.

I'm considering going to Florida for some holidays this June. My sister and I are thinking a/b driving down. I want to do the whole road trip thing but she's a bit hesitant on it...she'd rather fly and stay longer in Florida, than waste driving time. I think the travelling on the road would be awesome though. So we have to come to a decision @ some point soon. I need a vacation though. It's been too long since I've taken one and actually just relaxed. I'm almost @ burn out point. I need a tan too.

I didn't sleep that well last night. Kept waking up @ different points throughout the night. Probably every 2 hrs or so. The night b/f that I woke up in a panic, thinking I was choking on my tongue ring. I haven't done that in forever and I was surprised b/c I haven't been wearing the thing for a while now. I put her back in today. I think its' my mattress that's shit and leaving me frustrated. I should really spend $$ on one instead of wasting it on clothes and little accessories. Anyways, got up and went to the gym. I felt weaker than usual b/c of my lack of 'decent rest' but I pushed through. A bit of cardio and I worked my biceps an triceps. I decided to chill on the chest workouts, I'm in no need of more muscle in that area...really. I feel good. Haven't really talked to my boy in two days and that's kinda throwing me off. The feeling makes me want to avoid talking to him though. My attachment is not that healthy sometimes and I feel I need this pull away time. Maybe he needs it too, who knows. @ the same time I feel compelled to contact him. I'm use to talking to him every day, for hours, so this is weird for me. Complicated individuals we are.