Thursday, Feb. 05, 2004, 9:00 a.m.: never thought...

I'm getting a new tattoo. This time it's going on my lower back...a place that is sure to fucking hurt like hell. I figure that it's symbolic of the new phase of my life that I'm moving into. It can fully eradicate the pain I was feeling but will mark it for good on my body. In a good and a bad way. It's good b.c it means re-birth, a sort of freedom from darkness, and bad b.c it will be a constant reminder of how I almost fucked up one of the most important relationships in my life. I guess it's not that bad though considering I [we] 'almost' fucked it up...it's not like I [we] 'did' fuck it up. Anyways, that's my next thing to do. I get paid today so it will be fairly soon that I'm going to do it. I should call the place up to see if they're open on Sundays b.c that would be a good day, I think. As for what I want to get it's a toss up right now...I either want a snake or my name in Eqyptian hieroglyphs. So I think that that will mean I'm going to get it positioned vertically on my lower back, which will fucking kill even more b.c it's right on my lower spine, but. Who knows though, I still may find something I like even better.

It seems that we're going to be getting some serious contradictory weather tomorrow. The morning will start with freezing rain and by the afternoon the temp will rise and the snow will probably melt. How fucked is that?! I don't know where this shit is coming from, but something in the universe is a little mixed up right now. I'm still rooting for an EARLY spring. Fuck that damn groundhog...little fucking bastard!!

I'm feeling better and better every day. It's as if a weight has been lifted off me. I guess I'm still figuring out who I am b.c I was so sure that I wanted what I wanted, only to find that my whole being was massively fucked up b.c of it. I'm so happy to feel that I don't have to worry anymore or stress a.b my behavior and actions and how that will effect someone else's. It's not the time for that. No expectations and no pressure, only love. That's really what I've always wanted. Rose [bare-my-soul...sorry I wish I could link this stuff] said it best, a couple days ago, when she said...'as soon as you understand that you can't find everything you need in one person you'll be much happier'. I had never actually thought of it that way b.f.

<3 ~CAT~ xXx