Tuesday, Sept. 30, 2003, 9:54 a.m.: further to fall...

I had a fucking pretty amazing weekend actually...I have to say. I auditioned for a couple of productions. They went fairly well, nothing spectacular though. I had an awesome afternoon with 'the boy' too. I finally told him a few things a/b my past relationship with the 'x'. I guess it really sheds light on a person, you know, when you know what happened in their past. I'm not sure really how much light I shed on myself though...he doesn't know the whole story yet. It's funny how I was so scared to tell him, for fear that he'd use my past against me, and now it turns out that we are so much more similar than we both thought. And the sexual energy he possesses is fucking unbelievable. I mean, just thinking a/b him makes me want to explode. I have to totally discipline my thoughts b/c they take me somewhere else...it's very dangerous. When we fuck...I'm completely lost in him. It's surreal.

Anyways, I had a another audition yesterday too. I showed up and bumped into a girl that had worked on my past film with me. We were going out for the same part so the whole time she was talking to me I thought she was trying to throw me off. It was the most uncomfortable feeling!! I went into the audition completely nervous, already from the fact that this was a real paying gig...no funny business here...and then she added to that pressure! I have to make it a habit to NOT talk to anyone...not even those that I think I know. I'm torn between being normal and being paro...so I might as well just be paro and go on that. I assume that, more times than not, everyone is out for themselves anyways. It would be great if I booked this one!!

As for my agent mail-out...I'm one step away from it. Probably by next week sometime I'll be ready with my packages. I'm so excited b/c I know that agents are looking right now. I hope that I fit into someone's roster just perfectly. I've got a few people who can put a good word in for me too...which always helps. I have my eye on 2 or 3 specifically, for personal reasons, but all my choices are high up. Fuck it...I'm aiming for the top.

Love, CAT xXx