Wednesday, May. 21, 2003, 8:51 a.m.: the king..

My new wonder teacher is fucking wonderful!!! His teaching process is totally primal. It's not showy or artificial...it's real and human and derives directly from all the places that are suppose to be tapped into and expressed day to day in this world. He is exactly who I needed to teach me. He's just fucking amazing! I mean, I can't even express enough how much I appreciate him. He talks in direct relation to the body and how the body responds to any stimuli. He makes us place ourselves in the situation and feel whatever it is we feel naturally from the other person. He breaks down the relationship between the two actors into a cosmic give and take of energy, where every word effects the other person and then every reaction is played out. The first thing he said to us when we walked into his class was, 'throw out every technique you've ever learned'. As soon as he said that I was like, 'hell yea!'. Then he made sure that it was clear that we were not there to please him [the teacher], that we were there to generate the responses, emotions, actions, and behaviors from ourselves for the the scene. So many times I am in a class and I feel as if I have to be 'good enough' for the teacher. That the teacher holds the power and has the right to critique and tell me what's wrong, and it feels so uncomfortable b/c I never can grasp what the fuck they are asking me to do...or telling me not to do. Nobody could translate what I thought should happen inside me into words and I was left thinking that they were right b/c they had the more experience. Couple that with the fact that all authority figures correlate into critical monsters, and I had no desire to understand any of them by attempting to work through 'their' technique. Then when it came down to doing an actual scene outside of class I always tried to make the responses come naturally from myself, b/c that's what felt right. Now I have this teacher who allows me to do that and has clear cut evidence, based on biology, explaining how it will work. We did an exercise where I had to use this idea and allow every word the other person said effect me and when I responded I felt this burn inside of me grow and grow and grow...tears were almost forming in my eyes. It was like a fire heating up and I felt so connected to my partner that when we stopped the exercise I was ready to explode. That feeling justified everything he was saying and everything I believed, to the fullest. All the while I felt so vulnerable and innocent. I was completely open and it was safe and comfortable. The room was my playground and he was my protector, my guidance, and my supposrt. It was really fucking beautiful. I can't wait until next calss!

On a negative note [sorry, had to go there], my kitty is going in today to the vet to get snipped. I warned him yesterday and I think he's a little upset a/b the whole thing, but there is nothing I can do a/b it. I'll be leaving soon to go get him and take him in for his 3 day stay. @ least he will be fed properly for the time he's going to be there. Keep him safe and away from the food monster! Unfortuantely he will return with much of his manhood stripped from him...poor little thing. I have to make sure he always still feels like the king he is...

Love, CAT xXx