Monday, Apr. 28, 2003, 3:05 p.m.: the ego...

So here it is...I NEED to be #1. If I'm not I get pissed...I almost hate all of the world. If I'm not I am constantly trying to inflate my ego, in hopes that the feeling I get will be enough. If it's not, I have to keep going until it is. I cannot and will not stop, until I feel content. Contentment though is only a dream [only a word], in cases like this, b/c something always knocks me off my pedestal...and I crash. For every person that manages to do this [and it is very few] I can feel their every weakness. I know then inside out, my intuition feeds me, but I never stike in retaliation, when I feel it. I let it sit and fester, all the while learning more and more a/b all the insecurities that plague the minds of these 'few' as time goes by. I choose to keep them to myself, b/c I know all too well how low I can bring somebody. Why do I choose to do this? Is it b/c I am too classy and don't want to resort to pettiness? Is it b/c I am too nice and don't want to hurt the feelings of others? Am I so compassionate that I wouldn't wish the ill feeling on anybody else? These are all very noble excuses. You know what I really think though? I think I choose to keep these secrets to myself b/c they are all the more useful once I've built up an arsenal that could leave my opponent [b/c that's what they are when I feel this way] frozen...almost dead. Not physically, but emotionally...b/c I hate that I myself can get so close to that. I hate that someone can have that much power over me. I need to know that I too have that power over them. And all the while, I still expect the world to love me... and then I calm down...usually.