Wednesday, Apr. 02, 2003, 8:59 a.m.: damaged...

I'm going to this acting seminar this morning. I got a free ticket from the on-line audition board I subscribe to. First I hope it's not a bunch of people all dressed up and shit, cause I'm in jeans. Second, this better be fucking enlightening. I'm going to bring a book to write in...take my notes like a good and studious little girl. I just ate a McDonalds' breakfast. Love the shit, but I always feel like hell a/f I eat the hashbrowns. You think that's a sign or something? Yea, maybe. I think I'm just gonna start cutting it right out of my diet cause it really can't be any kind of good for me. I might as well just inject lard into my veins instead, that way I wouldn't have to go through the initial feeling of nastiness.

I realized yesterday that I'm freaking out over the whole SARS thing more than I should be. I mean, 6 people in my province died from it and 5 of them were over 70. Hello??? Paranoid or what? So, I'm going to get the hell over it. Don't believe the hype!!! Another thing I realized is that I'm a bitch alot of the time to my boy M.R. It's the most ridiculous attitude I could take with him b/c he's been really good to and with me. It's some sort of defense mechanism that pops up in me and I start to get all mean. I'm noticing a pattern though, cause it seems that when I've been a bit too vulnerable with him I start to feel very uncomfortable and then I start the mean shit. I need to relax really and it will come in time. I don't want to be like my bastard ex though and push the one who loves me away. I think the fact that I'm bleeding this week (sorry for the graphic speech) and that I've been very insecure lately has alot to do with it too. It's making me really hard on myself right now. I really shouldn't speak to anyone when I'm in moods like that, but sometimes it serves me well cause it forces me to deal with it. Anyways, I'm just going to put yesterday behind me and think a/b today as a new day...a chance to start over.

So Colin Ferrel is filming here for a month. The radio station that wakes me up in the morning put a bounty on his head, so anyone that brings him into the station gets $1000. So he calls in and asks if the rumours are true. And well, he finds out that yes they are. He says he's gonna be in sometime next week with someone to get that cash. Funny shit. Nice idea to bring him in, I have to say. But, again...don't believe the hype! That's been my mantra for the last couple weeks, soon it'll be something new.

You know that new song by TLC 'Damaged' has been playing over and over and over...it explains perfectly how I feel sometimes.

Love, CAT xXx