Monday, Mar. 24, 2003, 8:50 a.m.: obsession...

I am rather upset today and feeling quite determined. I spent my w/e @ an on-camera scene study and commercial workshop. The first day was set for us to go over our scenes with our partners and take any critique a/b how we played them. It was being instructed by a local casting director who then passed on her comments to the acting coach/teacher who was to put our scenes on tape for the next day. That day went well and I got a good response from the casting director, who like the way I did my scene. She gave me great positive feedback and found me to be very amusing when I played my character. She asked me if I did comedy and said that there was this great comedic air a/b me. I found that to be very exciting... since I had never heard that from a teacher b/f. So I left that day feeling really good a/b my performance!

Okay, so it's now night and me and the girls were to go out for my best girlfriends' birthday. I was feeling completely drained from the day, but I rested up a bit...read a book, and by 10pm I was ready to go out again. By the time we actually got to the club it was 11pm. I was pissed cause the dance floor, which was downstairs, didn't open until 12. So we were stuck up @ the bar just standing a/r. I hate just standing a/r...it makes me nervous! Finally, the bottm floor opened up and we went to dance. I sort of felt like I was @ a high school dance. I don't know why, I just got that feeling. I had said to everyone that I wasn't planing on staying out late, b/c I had the workshop to get to the next day. I was suppose to leave @ 1am, but since it was my girlfiend's birthday I decided to stay out a bit later for her. @ 2 I was more than ready to go home, so I colleced them up and told them we were leaving. I drove down to avoid any hassles, so I also made sure that I stopped drinking @ 1. So now, I had my abnoxious girlfriend, myself , my sister, and my other girlfriend walking to the car. I call her 'abnoxious' b/c that's the impression I get of drunk people when I'm sober. I got home and to bed for 3 and then was up 6 hours later to get ready to go again to the workshop.

So enter, workshop day with the acting teacher. We did our commercial which went well... considering I was playing a a pregnant woman. Then we went onto our scenes and I was so upset with how I did it. I didn't feel the same connection with my partner as I had the day b/f. Then my teacher started correcting me and I just got more contrived as I went along. I can't seem to understand what he is saying to me and as I get flustered I can't grab the feeling and go with it. I become way to self-conscious a/b my behavior and it turns into stiff action. I was so upset on my drive home that I started coming up with all these irrational reasons as to why I fucked it up. I mean, I went from 'I can't connect with people emotionally' to 'I can't identify my emotions properly'. And while sometimes I'm sure that those things are true...it had nothing to do with why I faield to perform to the best of ability yesterday. I even started to wonder if I sabotage my work so that I get more attention from the teacher. It's something I've done all my life and I probably still do it to some extent. So, I really need to think a/b why I do what I do. And I need to work out ways to feel the scene b/c I can't take this shit...really! I'm on this mission to get it right, b/c I know I have it when it's there. I just need to learn how to focus and not let authority figures' opinions throw me (for whatever reason), b/c they don't really know what's going to make me work to my best ability. Only I know...now I just need to find it. On top of that I'm going to search for a teacher that really understnds me and speaks my language so that we can work together. B/c I think that has a huge impact on you...it gives you positive guidance that is reinforced by the mutual understanding. Obviously this guy is not on my level. He was amused though as I was acting. He said that the cd had said there is some untapped comedic ability in me that needs to be discovered and used. And I got the 'sexy' comment again. That everything I say seems to be underlined with sexuality that comes through. Sure. It's cool and everything, but I don't want it to limit me either. I still haven't looked @ the tape of me. I was too upset to watch yesterady, it would have made me really depressed if it turned out to be as bad as I thought. I'm going to go to the library tonight to get books. I'm going to read every book on acting and acting styles that I can find. Seriously, I'm on a mission here. It's going to become an obsession, and I know that, b/c that's what it always becomes with me.

Love, CAT xXx