Monday, Mar. 10, 2003, 8:59 a.m.: fuck me...

My weekend felt like it was a week long. I hardly relaxed!! Friday I was my girlfriend's date to her work party. It was pretty awesome for a work thing!! Open bar, three course dinner, dancing. I got drunk on red wine with her, and we danced like two alcoholics. I had a really bad cramp though in my side and so I couldn't dance that much. Today, though I feel like my brain isn't wired in quite the way it should be. Let me lead up to that though.

Saturday I met up with M.R. and we went over our scene, cause we were filming on the Sunday. It was a good idea to go over our parts, but I find that I really end up working so much better infront of the camera, in the moment. He pissed me off though, when we were out, and I started acting like a brat...telling him shit a/b my past that I thought would freak him out. See with my ex I was a complete emotional freak. I loved him so much and he had me so whipped that I had no control over my emotions with him. He pushed all the right buttons with me and held me literally in the palm of his hand. Every reaction I gave him secured his confidence in his control over me. Now, a/f being like that for almost 6 yrs, I've developed this survival technique where I just become numb and cold. So my emotions send out a signal that makse me pull away. I automatically tried everything to make him see me as this crazy bitch whose just too much trouble...explaining in detail my psycho stories with my ex. I mean, it's totally not the case anymore cause I have such a handle over my emotions now, it's not even funny...but I tend to supress and pull myself out now very easily. It hurts too much to care a/b this guy sometimes and I have to just pull away. And I mean, it's a good hurt but it still hurts so much. The pain is there, always, good or bad. He sensed that I was upset and that he had said something to offend me and he ended up calling me up to apologize a/f, but I had so much anger towards him that I barely heard him speak to me. On top of that I'm so NOT use to men calling me up to apologize a/b anything...it was very surreal.

Sunday when it came time to film with him I had alot of anger inside me that I used. I ended up slapping him so hard that I felt vibrations all through my right arm, during one of our scenes. He said his whole body was vibrating from my hit, and I really wasn't doing it as myself. In that moment he wasn't the same guy to me and I was not myself either. He didn't expect me to slap him that hard though and neither did I. It was a great moment for the scene though cause I got a real reaction out of him. I absolutely love being on film, infront of the camera. It takes me to another place and I feel things so fully. All my emotions are free...it is one of the best forms of escapism. I had a sex scene to do a/f that, where this psycho guy is fucking me while I'm pinned to a couch. I thought it was going to be strange, but it was very easy. It didn't hurt that the guy was hot too. He was really nice though, always making sure he didn't snag the fishnets I was wearing. He did a great job simulating sex too...even his orgasm was amazing. He was suppose to smack me across the face and I told him he could really hit me if he wanted to, but he wouldn't. He was worried that he would have so much anger in the moment that he'd hurt me. Whatever...so we faked it instead, just like we faked the sex. I was worried when I saw this guy @ first, cause he had these great forearms and I am such a sucker for forearms. All I knew was that if he thrusted any harder I would have grabbed his cock right there and put it in me myself...HAHA!! Shit. It was fun though. I must admit it was both comforting and weird to have M.R. on set too watching over me. A/f I finished that I went and did four loads of laundry, passed out for a couple hours and then couldn't get back to sleep until 2am. Which would probably explain my slight neurosis today, but it will pass...@ least.

Love, CAT xXx