Thursday, Mar. 06, 2003, 10:36 a.m.: comfort me...

I thought my brain was on pause this morning, when I tried to write my entry and kept getting brought back to the same page. Sheesh. The last couple of days my computer screen has been making waves @ me. @ first I though it was my eyes playing tricks, but then when I realized that it doesn't happen when I look @ anything else I figured... it must be the screen. When I was younger I use to see the heat waves in my school and I never understood why I was seeing them. I thought, @ that time, that I was some special child or some shit. Well, these days when something like that happens I start to worry a/b my sanity. I mean, not toatlly, but every once in a while. I actually have to check it with something, to compare and make sure. It's just another game I play with myself. I like them in case you haven't noticed yet.

I had my Theatre group meeting yesterday...it was fun. Master R was there and gawd he is so fucking beautiful. Really, I have to completely hold myself back from just ripping into him. If I stay next to him too long I start to salivate and I just want to grab him and dig my claws in. It's total torture to keep from doing this, you know. I made it there a/f the gym, where I had to cut out of a work-out so that I wouldn't be too late. I was wired and full of energy...I think my body was pissed that I didn't stay longer to get out all my agression.

I was pretty tired when I got home later. I hadn't eaten very well either, a/f the work out, so I just passed out cold. I was done. I am filming this w/e...for sure this time. Apparently one of the other girls busted her arm so they had to cancel her shoot...and voila, back into the sex scene with me. Today, it's an audition and my last class on camera. I better kick ass and just forget that I'm in a tiny clausterphobic room, filled with shit, a camera staring in my face and two other people watching, listening and just being. It is not the most comfortable place to be in. I'd rather be strapped down to a bed with a knife being held to my skin...really, that would feel much more comforting. Maybe, I'll just picture that instead.

Love, CAT xXx