Friday, Feb. 14, 2003, 8:36 a.m.: a day like today...

You know, I cannot stand being put in vulnerable positions. I am so out of my element that I would rather take a knife thorugh my flesh, than the deal with it. Really, I would much rather enjoy the stabbing of a sharp blade into my skin, piercing me until I bleed. I don't know...it may be sick, but it is a much more comforting feeling. I allowed myself to feel something yesterday that I really shouldn't have. It ended up keeping me up, practically all night. So now today I'm slightly pissed @ myself. I really need to get a handle on my emotions and shit. It's not accpetable...it's just NOT!! It's V-Day today and my heart feels cold. It will get better, I just have to give it some time. I think I may be fighting in vain here against myself, b/c the only person I ever really hurt is me. But, I don't know how else to deal...I don't. Have you ever wondered why it is we want the things we want. Sometimes it's greed, gluttony, a challenge, and sometimes it's so twisted up and contorted that you can no longer figure it out. Surface wants are much easier to figure out. It's when it streches below the surface or deep in the psyche that you really have to suffer trying to deceifer. I think I think too much. I also know that I am still trying to understand myself. If you really think a/b it, it's much easier to be alone in this world. It takes much more work to be and feel and stay connected to someone...if there ever is that someone whose worth being connected to. So what is it that I want? I want to be loved...by a billion people world-wide. I want to be adored, admired and esteemed, and with that, hated and tortured. You know why? B/c all that superficial bull-shit is much easier to take (on my heart) than all that 'real' shit, good or bad or in between. I hate it when I can't relate to people.

Love, CAT XXX