Tuesday, Jan. 28, 2003, 9:06 a.m.: thinking again...

I've said this b/f and I can't stress it enough. Without the gym I would be a complete basketcase!! If there is anything I need in this world more than almost anything...it's that. Just 5 minutes of spinning can make me feel 'normal' again. When my blood is rushing and pumping like that the only other thing I can think of that's better is probably sex...or dancing...or listening to drum beats. Actually I told a friend of mine over the w/e a/b my experience watching those Japanese drummers and he explained it so perfectly. He said 'It's like magic, isn't it'? and I was like 'yeaaaa, totally'. Beautiful!

Today my pics are suppose to be ready. I'm not sure if I'll have time to pick them out though, cause I'm going out to dinner with my aunt and uncle for my beladed b-day. I may just go and pick up my comp card and then ponder for a bit over which pics I want to blow up first. I should probably get some opinions too from other people.

As far as the school thing goes I've gotten a few good ones to send me out packages. I only have a/b 3 top theatre schools to choose from. I also need it to be a 2 year program, well I want it to be a two year program. Fuck, I don't feel like staying in school for 4 damn years! I'd be thirty by the time I'm done, practically. I don't know really.

It's funny cause I was thinking yesterday how out of touch with people I really am. I mean it's nothing to get all depressed a/b...it's just a fact that I fully realised. I'm not sure if it's b/c I'm involved in my own bull-shit more so than anyone elses. I'm not sure if it's my lack of trust in people that causes myself to be SO involved in my own stuff. I'm not sure if it's that I don't think anyone else really gives a fuck and that's why I do what I do. I'm not sure if it's that I can't relate to anyone unless they're feeling pain or hurt in some way. I was thinking a/b that yesterday, that I can't feel happiness for anyone unless it's excitment. I don't know why? I thought maybe it's b/c I have never known true happines and that I'm stunted in that way. It made me feel really strange, b/c I was never aware of that fact either b/f. I think all of these things are true, you know. I haven't decided yet if that makes me selfish or I just don't know any better. I guess a bit of both...and one stems from the other. Just some things I was thinking a/b.

You are red. You are impure, but noble. You are precious and true to yourself and others. When you love, you love entirely, and will do anything to make your love happy. You are sure of your identity, therefore, you cannot change others or be changed. You are a true prince, you may be forgotten, but without you, none of us could go on.

What inner color are you?

Love, CAT XXX