Thursday, Jan. 16, 2003, 9:05 a.m.: me time...

It seems to be a recurring theme in my life. The more I hold out on anything sexual, the less power my boys feel. Then as soon as I give in just a little bit, the more power they feel...as if I'm now an entity to be owned. I'm not complaining @ all, b/c I have the tendency to want my men to be dominant. I'm the same way when I want what's mine, but it tends to fuck my head up if I put claims on people like that w/o 'having' them fully. I just find it funny that I need to find other ways in which I have to control things within the structure of the 'relationship'. Not to say I would never give myself totally to someone b/c that's not true. I just find that I have this instinct that tells me when it's safe and when it's not safe. Safe=handing it all over. Not safe=fuck up the equation in some way. It's just how it has to be. I'll know it's safe when I have exactly what I want. If this sounds like some sort of foreign language...my apologies.

Today I'm suppose to go for lunch with a friend of mine. I haven't seen him in ages, since we both dropped out of hair school. He's always going through some financial problems which throws him off the face of the earth for like months @ a time. Whenever he calls me I'm shocked to shit to hear from him...it's hilarious. And he calls @ the most unexpected times too. We're thinking of going to some Japanese restaurant. It'll be nice to see him.

I kicked ass @ the gym yesterday. Got totally into it. I planned to take a class @ my girlfriend's gym next Thursday. I want to see how I do with other instructors. Supposedly we're going to go to 'power spin'. Not sure what that means, but I bet it's going to be a huge challenge. I know, my trip to the gym is more a/b seeing how much further I can push myself with some other instructor than it is a/b going to the gym with my girlfriend...but whatever. I can't help that. I'd enjoy going to coffee with her though to spend time with her. This is why I never take a buddy to the gym with me. I don't really like working out in a group...it's suppose to be my 'me' time.

I'm totally procrastinating with the 'talk' with my 'ex' girlfriend. It's a sub-conscious sort of thing. I have been busy too, but I really could find the time if I wanted to. Still a bit hesitant a/b it, but it's gotta be done soon. Maybe I should work out some sort of scheduling. We'll see how it goes.

Love, CAT XXX