Friday, Jan. 10, 2003, 8:52 a.m.: not anymore...

Early day today...and guess what? I've got a client sitting here right in front of me as I type this entry. Really, I dislike it when people walk in here earlier than 'open' time. Of course, it's my fault b/c I leave the door unlocked, on top of the fact that I am in here getting things ready. Oh, poor guy. Here I am talking (or rather writing) shit a/b him and he doesn't even know it. I'm here anoyed with him and he doesn't even know it. Unless, it was obvious by the way I greeted him!!! Hahaha!!!! Okay, this is too funny.

I had an off day yesterady. Meaning I didn't go down to take a dance class. I remembered that it was only a hip hop class being held and my chances of finding a girl for my dance there was very unlikely. I need the jazz girls. I mean, some of the jazz girls take the hip hop classes (like myself) but Thursday usually isn't a good night. Tonight I'm going to head down and see what I can find. From there I'm meeting some of my dancers and then we're going to drive back to my area where we'll learn the routine. I still don't have a space guaranteed though, so I've gotta get calling when I finish this entry. I hope all goes well.

So my night is pretty much packed. No time to do anything else. I'm suppose to be seeing 'nsnb' this w/e. It's going to take all my will power to not jump him and fuck the shit out of him. He's just so lovable, fuckable, and enjoyable...all in one. I really just want to rip him apart, or rather tease him until he rips me apart. It's crazy shit girls I tell you, crazy! This guy can make me feel so calm and yet I feel so energized with him. When I'm near him I just melt into my space...nothing else matters. If he's in the room and we're apart, we're drawn together like two magnets. If we're too close to each other we want to eat each other up. It's sick!!! In the greatest fucking way. I feel like I want to sink into him forever. Well, I feel like I'm already sunken into him and he into me. Like we were painted into this picture long ago...two pieces to a puzzle. We're little bits of twisted pieces, but when we're fit together it's so beautiful in full. It's like everything complicated seems so simple. Everything in myself that's odd is natural. Everything in him that he never thought existed anywhere else is found in me. I was so scared to fully let myself think this b/f b/c I felt like I was deluding myself. All those years of deluding myself with my ex, fucked up my perception and I didn't know whether what I was feeling was true or imagined. But, a/f realizing who he was in my life and how all along my instinct was telling me the truth...I'm learning to trust what I feel. With some help of course. I know for sure what I'm feeling now. Yes, it's completely uncharted territory but I'm open to accept and explore. When you speak a language that nobody hears and then suddenly someone comes along who understands...I think, so far, it's the most amazing thing. Instead of dancing alone you have a partner...and it's so much stronger with somebody else. It's like you're not fighting alone anymore.

Love, CAT XXX