Wednesday, Nov. 13, 2002, 9:18 a.m.: pressure...

I had a huge blow-out with my family this morning. I don't know how it happens or even why. It was just so unexpected and fast and completely unneccessary. I went by to check my e-mail...I tried to slip in with hardly any contact. I mean, I know mornings are pretty shit for everyone which is why I try to avoid any confrontation. Both sister's were talking to me and I really couldn't talk b/c I was in the middle of checking and re-sending messages to people. I guess everyone got touchy and a huge argument exploded. I am in not so great a mood due to certain variables @ the moment, so I rage like a dragon spitting fire. Bad choice. I get the blame, as usual and evryone else gets off free from everything...cause I'm the bad one. Of course. I'm the one who starts ALL the fights. I'm the one who can't control her temper...o.k., I'll give them that one. Then the guilt trip cause I was rudely asked to drive my 8 year old sister to school (as soon as I got there, which I love to do b/c it's my sister and I fucking LOVE her to death) b/c my lazy bitch mother wasn't ready to do it. I mean, if I hadn't showed up there she would have had to move her ass and take HER daughter to school...on time. Well, a/f the fight she insinuated that I was in no condition to take her. Fucking please!!! Guilt tripping vindictive bitch. Don't get mad @ me cause you feel like shit, cause you can't take care of your daughters properly. I'm so sick of this shit!! I wrack my brain to see if I am in the wrong, b/c if I am I do want to know. I want to better myself. It drives me quite mad, b/c I feel that I always get everyone's shit. Nobody can deal with their own shit so they throw it on me...and I'm left to sort it out in my head. Sort through the dirt and the crap and come out shinny and new. It's fucking annoying. My only salvation is this idea of kharma that HAS to fucking exist, cause if it doesn't I'll be one crazy pissed off cunt...let me tell you! And then I calm down and think: this is trying to teach me something. I need to learn to control my temper. GOD!!

I felt like shit yesterday night b/c I had told my Grandmother that I would do her hair in rollers for her, and I totally forgot. When I got home she was sleeping, so I promised myself I owuld wake up early adn do it for her. To which I did. I mean, it was an honest mistake but I felt bad b/c she's doing all thsi shit for me and I couldn't even rememeber to do her hair.

On a great note. I spoke to the director from the movie who wants me to dance and choreograph a dance for his film. I told him I could get him 10 girls and do it. I have to hussle to do this now, cause off hand I do not know 10 dancers who would be willing to do it. But, I know I can find them!! He said he saw talent walk through the door when he met me and that their are a few things he'd like me to improve, but that he sees deep passion in me. @ first I thought he was just trying to fuck me, which he probably is...but @ the same time he wants to use me for his film so I know he wants good actors, dancers, etc. I took it as truth a/f that. I checked out his actors web-site and this guy is fucking established. I was shocked to shit to see all the work he's done. Not only is he a writer, director, producer, but he's an actor and runs his own production company. Shocked to shit!! He has an extensive resume. Now I've gotta make sure I kick ass. Little bit of pressue, eh?

Love, CAT XXX