Tuesday, Nov. 12, 2002, 8:46 a.m.: fucked and irrational...

I feel like shit. I got into a scrap with my friend yesterday. Petty shit...it hardly skimmed the surface of what I have to talk to her a/b. We just kinda started screaming a/b shit that pissed us off, but didn't really matter. I mean, not that it doesn't matter, but what we really need to be talking a/b is her well-being...blah, blah, blah. She started saying some wacked shit to me as if I was being the fucked one in the sitation. Totally boggled my mind, cause I haven't done shit to her. Okay, only in an act of revenge, but that's allowed. It's the root that is the issue, not what I do in retaliation...and not to say it's right, but I'm not gonna sit back and take shit. Fuck that! I thought she knew me better than that. I may have been wrong there. Anyways, I felt stupid talking to her over the phone a/b it. I want to see her in person. I left it up to her to tell me when she's free...which will be never, even if she is. Whatever...she's a big girl. I'm sick of this.

So, I not only feel like shit cause of that but I feel like shit cause I'm in a rut. I haven't had as many auditions as I have been hoping for and it sucks when I'm not out trying to get parts. I know it's not right to feel this down when I don't have anything going on. I should be content, I think, even if I don't have anything to work on. It's not even that I don't have anything to work on, cause I have alot of shit to do still. I can't put my finger on it. Something has thrown me for this loop and it's pissing me off. On top of that I'm beginning to feel like I don't know how to connect emotionally with people. I've noticed that my form of communicating emotionally is always done in the form of yelling and screaming. That is getting on my nerves too. My bloody bitch should be here today and I think she's to blame for some of this feeling. I need to find out what to do a/b these things.

I'm suppose to go and see a photographer today for a consultation and I decided I'm going to cancel. I don't feel like driving 30 mins to go see some guy whose pics aren't even that good. Fuck! Instead of spending 150 on just the shoot, I think I'll get my sister to do them for me. Her black & whites look better than this guys stuff. I'm just not in a good place today. I also have an audition today that I don't feel prepared for. It's a dance audition which I have to cancel, b/c I don't feel ready for it. I keep telling myself to just go and fuck whether I'm ready or not...but I'm not listening. I'm cancelling that one for today. I know, how ridiculous is it to bitch that I'm not auditioning enough and then to cancel one b/c I don't feel up to par. I'm feeling completely irrational.

Love, CAT XXX