2002-08-29, 11:32 a.m.: still trying to get it...

Okay, so I'm on a mission now. I'm going to get my pics done this w/e and start sending packages out to agents. I think it's time. I've got my monologues now...I'd better put them to use. Boys just make me crazy...so I've gotta keep them @ arms length. I'm telling you...it's too confusing, boys and such. Relationships, whatever. What the fuck is a god damn relationship anyways?? The only time I am truly happy is when I'm working towards a constructive goal. So THAT is what I am going to focus on, for good. New boy is great, but he makes my head spin...already! I don't want to get all mentally fucked up a/b him. I want a meaningful friendship...with the perks. He's also going to help me get where I want to go. I'll hook him up too...if he helps me. Give and take...that's it, that's all. I'm making a promise right here right now...that's the way it's going to be. As far as 'love' goes...I can love anyone who is loyal to me in whichever way I want them to be. I realize that I have a hard time with emotioanl love...you know the true kind of love (if that exists). I just want to make myself happy, and in turn make other people happy. That's all I need.

I'm still learning.

Love, CAT XXX