2002-08-16, 8:55 a.m.: COCKER...

Why is it that when anyone tries to help me out I somehow fuck it up. I mean even with little things, like a friend helping me cover up and stupid remark or some shit. I still manage to fuck myself into a deeper hole. How is that fucking possible?! Can you tell me?! Sometimes it's not really a 'fuck up' per se, but you know, it's like I have to sabatoge it for whatever reason my little head desires. Some psychological reason...for sure.

So my friends came over and helped me COCK my wall. Haha! Actually it's really spelled caulq...I think. It was funny shit. I bought dinner for us and we ate and then had to go out and buy the shit. I ended up pulling these hooks of my wall that I got @ the dollar store and they ripped the whole wall out practically. I couldn't beleive it. So I had to buy some latex paint to go over the cock a/f. Haha! It's still not done, but by the w/e it'll look perfect again.

The new boy is back already. Didn't expect him back so soon. I had sent him pics that I took for my head shots for the audition, asking him his opinion on which I should use. I was mortified when he told me that only two of them were good. Not b/c I thought he was insulting me, but b/c I wasn't sure which pic I gave the producer. Thank god it turned out to be one of the ones I ended up using. Otherwise I would have had a conflict of interest on my hands. I really have to do them over though.

I've been noticing that my feet are terribly scarred from my years of dance. I have calouses on the sides of my toes and on the balls of my foot. Now if I was still dancing on my toes this would be great b/c it would protect me from the constant iritation and I wouldn't get blisters as bad...@ least not on that area of my foot. But, it looks fucking terrible in sandles if I hold my foot the wrong way! I seriously need a pedicure, which is another brutal thing cause I'm so ticklish that I laugh so much. You can't even do the work cause I'm hysterical.

I'm still looking @ places for myself. I've decided that I can't live @ my parents 'place'. Already I feel them imposing on my privacy and just doing things their way. I mean, it's fine, it's their place but I will not live with any kind of restrictions and I can feel them closing the noose a/r my neck. I may be being slightly over-dramatic here, but I mean they wont even consider putting a door @ the top of the stairs so that I have privacy from what's going on underneathe me. If anyone else was living there, and paying rent, they would have a fucking door, and I don't see how I deserve any less. Fuck it! Then I find out they're going to be over there Sundays a/f they go to church and shit. So it's, not bad enough that my pops will be there 6 days a week, they both have to be there Sunday too. Not gonna happen...no fucking god damn way! It's back to the drawing board for me, I don't give a fuck. I'll live with my grandmother for a while till I can find my place and then again I'm out. They are always trying to control me and I can't fucking stand it. If it's not in one way, they try another. It's like punishment...I don't get why I get the bull shit end of the deal. Can't they just get over it and let me live my life on my terms. NO. So I have to do it away from them and that's just it. What can you do? It sux that I always feel like I'm 12 a/r them, when I'm really 21. I mean 24...whatever.

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