2002-07-17, 9:30 a.m.: I want to do it...

Okay so scrap the whole bit a/b my acting teacher not biting my head off. God damn it! It's up and down with her. I taped myself @ my class yesterady and was NOT impressed with my presentation @ all. I'm angry too b/c, being an acting teacher, she should have been telling me that I'm not giving enough in my readings. I could clearly hear it in my voice and delivery and yet she said nothing to that effect to me. No wonder my facial expressions aren't expressive enough...it's b/c it's not coming from my insides. I have a very expressive face and it's just purely ludicrous that I can't be that way in a scene. For some reason, a scene throws me right off. I need to develop a sound way to allow my character to shine through me. My first step would be to understand what was really going on in the scene...which, again this week I managed to fuck up. Piss me right off. My friend listened to the tape and complemented me, but I'm still not impressed with my work. I told her not to be bias and she's not one to spare me the emotional anguish...but still.

There's this other girl in my class who I thought I liked, but who has turned into this totally insecure fucking cunt. She's really loud and abnoxious, but she ends up over doing it ALL the damn time. She would be so annoying to be a/r. I don't know how anyone lives with her. As I was listening to my tape over, I noticed that while my teacher was talking to me (in character) the bitch was coughing beside me the whole time. I never noticed it while I was in class, but it's obvious that she was being a little skank cause I never heard her cough a/f that. I must have been so into what I was doing that I drowned out everything else, which is actually great for me....cause sometimes I tend to get distracted easily and I lack focus. Point for me in overcoming that! Anyways, if she does it again I'm going to tell her to shut her damn mouth. I'll fucking shove my bottle of water down her throat. I mean, for fuck sakes control yourself you whining little insecure bitch. I have not remorse for idiots like that. Seriously. I'm a fucking sweet as pie kinda girl, even though it may not look that way...but get in my way and I'll rip you up. Nobody gives a fuck, and the ones that do I can tell who they are. I asked her a/f class if she needed a ride to the station cause I wanted to get some info off her a/b her job and she was very hesitant. When she eventually did get in my car she was so nervous. I intimidate her, which means she's not worth my friendship. I wouldn't want to work with her sorry ass anyways.

So, I need to figure this out. I think, live, and breath this shit. I want to give and I want to perform. I just feel sometimes that I get bogged down in the technicality of it. It drives me nuts. I'm a prisoner. I've gotta find a way to release it all while establishing the idea of technique. I don't know if that makes any sense what-so-ever but...I gotta do it.

Love, CAT XXX