2002-07-04, 9:19 a.m.: no regrets...

Things are going well for me. I'm holding up just fine. My supposed best friend doesn't seem to have enough time to even call me...which I consider extremely fucking rude, considering when she broke up with her loser ass ex I stayed with her everyday until she was okay. How quickly people forget the things you do for them. I mean, fuck fine if she wants to be like that she can really just go fuck herself. I realize that people have lives and that people have careers and jobs, but come-the-fuck-on! Maybe she feels that I'm fine and that I can handle it...which I can, but fuck I feel neglected.

Although I am enjoying my alone time.

I guess things are never ever the same as you left them. Things are always changing. I want to work @ my career, but @ the same time I want to have fun. I need to find a new partying buddy...especially if she's going to hole herself up in her office all the time. Okay, I'm sounding bitter.

I've got to get two books read for my acting class. I got in shit from the coach b/c I hadn't read her books and I failed to understand a few basic principles that she had outlined. Blah blah blah. She ragged me out and I was just like "Okay, okay, I didn't read the book, fuck...I'll read it for next week." I was trying to contain myself b/c if I get all worked up then I short a fuse and it's not in my best mental interst to do that anymore. I'm trying to learn to respect authority while still presenting my point of view, which I always consider valid.

My life now is consiting of work, working out, and acting. I really just want to get an agent and start going to REAL auditions. But, one step @ a time is the way to go...one step @ a time. I think I've come a long way from my days back @ hairdressing school. I've decided to start keeping a log book of all my classes and all the shows I participate in. You know, how they went, what happened, how I prepared, what part I played, etc, etc. I realized yesterday how much spare time I really have. Now I can fill that 'spare time' with more productivity. I just want to do well and be the best...is that too much to ask for?

Tomorrow I'm going to pick up a t.v. for my place. I am currently t.v.less, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I can't even watch a fucking movie for christ sakes. I've just been reading alot more. I have to go to the library to pick out some plays to read...I want to keep my imagination running wild. Not that I don't do fine on my own, but a little focused creativity would help me for sure.

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You know, you realize how short life really is sometimes...in the weirdest ways. I was all brain mushed a/b some guy who didn't care enough a/b me, and I was upset. I mean, how fucking ridiculous is that. Then I come to work to find out that my co-worker's son has a 50/50 chance of having cystic fibrosis. If he has it, he'll only live to see a/b 25 years old. I mean, we worry a/b such trivial things when there are people who have so much more heartache to deal with. I use to think pain was in the eyes of the beholder...in other words no matter what the crisis, depending on who it was happening to, the pain level could never be determined by an outsider. Pain in everybody is deep, it depends on how you deal with it. But, as I'm getting older and I open my eyes to the real problems and issues a/r me and us...well, some things just seem alot more trivial. Then again, everything ends and it's sad no matter what...but it could be worse, and that's something to always remember. It could always be worse. So, take each day as it's a miracle and live it to it's fullest. You never know when things could just...end. Each day we're alive, we're just that much closer to dying. We want to make sure we look back with many memories and no regrets. 'Absolutley no regrets' -MADONNA

Love, CAT XXX