2002-06-18, 9:59 a.m.: Forza Italia...

I was so exhausted yesterday that I had to leave work early. I went home and slept for an hour, so that I could be awake for my acting class @ night. He wasn't home when I got in, but he came back while I was making dinner for myself. He walked in and didn't say a word to me...I just kept a/b my business. As I was on my way out he asked me why I was leaving so early. (He still thinks I'm fucking someone else) I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of an answer, but I turned to him and said 'I'm picking up my friend'...which I was. AS I got to the elevator I bumped into his friend who proceeded to ask me how my w/e performance went. Firstly, I knew that he probably knew what was or wasn't going on (with us...it was his best friend) and second it just fueled my resentment for the fact that 'loser boy' didn't even have the courtesy to pay me some respect and support for my FIRST live acting performance. I just smiled and said it went well. His best friend is a total mind fucker and I really can't be bothered to get pulled into his drama. I'm sure he'd like to see us go our seperate ways so that he can have 'loser boy' all to himself, and you know what...he can have him. When I got in later that evening, I entered into an empty place. He didn't come back @ night and he wasn't there for the soccer game this morning. So I watched Italy play Korea by myself. They're tied, by the way.

I'm apparently not as needy as he is and I find that fairly funny. Considering all these years I thought it was ME who needed someone by my side. Strange how things turn out. I heard someone say once that you should treat a break-up like a death. I'd better get use to it sooner than later. Gawd, I don't know if I could handle someone dying on me...I'd better practise. I use to be all a/b the mind games and I guess it's partly my fault in who I chose. I've come to a point in my life (and I've been here for a while) where I want honesty. I want to be honest and I want to get it in return...he's not ready for that yet. @ times it's still a struggle for me, but I try to make a conscious effort until it is totally ingrained in the psyche.

I told my acting coach a/b what happened to me @ Saturday's performance...and she said it was great that that happened to me so soon. She said I was detached from the scene (no shit!) and she had taught us all we needed to know in previous classes on how to groung ourselves back into it. Fuck yeah! I totally forgot a/b it, and now I know for next time what to do when I feel as if I'm floating above myself. I just have to make a conscious effort to return back into the scene throught the techniques she's taught us. So see, everything happens for a reason.

Tonight I am taking my friend out for her birthday. We were suppose to go to a movie, but I'm leaning towards dinner now. A movie is so impersonal really. @ dinner we can talk and catch up. I've gotta call her and let her know. O.K. lets all hope for an Italian victory today/tonight/whatever. *crosses fingers*

Love, CAT XXX