2002-06-05, 11:58 a.m.: I really don't know...

A wise man once said...Fuck, I don't know.

I'm feeling shitty. I don't know if it's b/c, once again, our weather is shit or b/c my home life is STILL shit. I thought that I was starting with a new beginning and everything would be so great. It turns out that the 'loser' is even worse than I thought. I'm in serious turmoil and I don't have anyone a/r me that's strong enough to advise me into the right direction @ the moment. Although, I don't really expect anyone to make my decison for me...I need to do that myself. I just wish I could get a sign or something to help me out. I know the direction I want my life to take and I know that it isn't heading that way totally @ this point. What the fuck is love anyways? Is companionship and a life long partner really needed? Is that someone who you can make love to? I want love, but do I want it in a life long companion? Is companionship just a load of crap, b/c all you really have in this world is yourslef? And nobody knows how to treat you properly, but you yourself. Or, maybe b/c you aren't fully decided on how you need to be treated...you settle for less. But, in saying 'less' you must know that you aren't being treated the way you want to be. So, now that that has been figured out...what's the fear? Is there a fear there? Are you scared of something? What the fuck is it? Is it that another transition is too much right now? Is it that you fear being alone? Or, is it that you know once you make this decision it WILL be forever? Why are you in fear of closing this door? I'm just right back to the beginning in that one. It's a cycle...a fucking disgusting cycle. Shit, if I can withstand this constant beating of my head against a wall...I KNOW I can do anything. SO DO IT!! What is fucking wrong in this picture here?

I'm totally fucking confused and it is driving me CRAZY. He was warned to never trust a woman. I thought I was one who could be trusted, though. I'm not. I never have been.

Love, CAT XXX