2002-05-03, 9:07 a.m.: My Omen...

With the help of my good friend, I've changed my diary's look. If I had the skills to link her in here with a code I would...but, unfortunately I still can't figure out how to do it. Even with all the help that's been offered, when I try it I fuck it up. Girl-written, you are so greatly appreciated.

So I'm sure I've said b/f how much I HATE the rain...well, I've just discovered that I like it when the sun is shinning. It's really a beautiful sight to see...to be driving down the street and the pellets are hitting your car, but between the dark clouds is open blue sky and the sun shinning through. I think It's pretty fucking amazing.

Okay, so this w/e I have to get my ass in serious gear and work on my routine. I'm going to go to a class to get the idea of the warm-up. Then, when I get home I'm going to write it all out...all of it. I'm cutting my aunts hair tonight so I'll earn a bit of cash doing that, which is greatly fucking needed @ this point. I think I may go for a tan b/f, to relax and get some artificial sun exposure on my whole body. It feels really good. Plus, I've got free mins left.

Stupid coffee pot over-flowed today and I even washed it yesterday night too. Two pots later I am now enjoying a fresh cup of java. *slurp* So my ex friend has been calling MY best friend (cause she owes her $$) and is trying to get together with her. Of course, priorities never being where they should be she fucks up and doesn't call her back like she promised so that she really could get her the cash...I mean it's been owed to her for over a month now and she's been trying (really hard, yeah sure) to get it to her for the last 3 weeks. I guess as long as I don't have to deal with it. Now 'S' wants to tell her how she feels a/b her too, just so she can't get away with thinking it's only 'me' who thinks this way (cause it's not), but knowing the history of 'S', I'm not too sure if she'll manage it out of her mouth. She hasn't been able to stand her for much longer than it's been that I decided to clue in to her seriously fucked up behaviour, but 'S' managed to just do the avoidance thing while I...well, I think you know where this is going. Anyways, why do I keep going on a/b this broad...FUCK!!!! It's over...keep it over. Over and out!!

I'm starting to feel stagnant again. I don't know if it's in my head or not, but I feel it every once in a while and it drives me insane. I may have just developed it from my mother...maybe it's in the genes. I get this urge to always be doing something, and I get angry if I'm not. It's gotta be productive though or I have to feel it's productive...it can't just be bull-shit. Oh how I want to get somewhere in my life. I want to go so far and I think that that's a big contributing factor. I'm just very determined to be noticed and remembered. I don't know if it stems from insecurity...I don't think it does. I think it comes more from an inate ambition...I feel I'm important and thorugh my life many people have tried to make me feel worthless, so it's just been a constant struggle. It's like I've been tested in my life and if I succumb then I don't win, but if I get past it then I do and I prove to myself and everyone else that I am important. I mean, I guess everyone plays a role in life in some way, but I feel mine is explosive. Did I ever tell the story of when I was young and I would see myself as this ball of fire rising in the skies. I was easily hurt when I was young, very sensitive, and I would imagine that all the pain would manifest into this huge phoenix type thing. But not only that, I also imagined myself taking the pain from others too. Now I haven't yet figured if that was just a very religious induced feeling...you know the whole guilt trip that Catholicism puts on you, or if it was justified and there for a reason. I guess if I look @ it as being there for a reason then I can understand it as making others feel good a/b themselves...making people happy.

@ the Chinese restaurant yesterday I opened my fortune cookie and it read: 'Happiness lies ahead'. My Omen?

CLG aka CAT XXX