2002-05-02, 9:11 a.m.: balance...

Yummmm. Guess what I get to eat today...Chinese food. The real greasy kind that's not really Chinese food, you know.

I'm slightly fed up with my living arrangemnt already. Well, not fed up but I tend to be a very giving person and I CAN get carried away. So, in lieu of the fact that I am not seeing much effort in return I refuse to do anything for the sake of my 'room-mate' anymore. I know my boy is not quite use to taking care of himself, but he really needs to learn. I'll be giving, but I'll try it in different ways. I'm not a fucking house wife who will cook and clean and pick up a/f him...FUCK THAT!!!!If he wants that then he can ask me to marry him, and I'm not guaranteeing a yes, or anything for that matter, any time soon. I MUST concentrate on MYSELF and that's that. Yeah, isn't life beautiful. ARG!

The weather is ompletely shit again. WTF?! I can't believe how long it's been. Right now mass destruction sounds great, b/c I would actually get to see some light.

As I was @ the gym yesterday I stayed to do the weight training class. Ever since I started the acting, it's been falling on those specific days so, I've missed them for a/b 2 months now. Fuck, what 2 months away will do. I had to drop my weight lifted by 3 pounds each arm. My triceps are stronger though, which I find kinda weird. Anyways, I was a tad dissapointed but I kept through it...brought myself to exhaustion, the whole bit. I kicked ass on the bike though...cause I've been keeping that up steady. Sometimes I want to hug my instructor and then sometimes I just want to strangle her. She's one of those people who gets into a tizzy if she doesn't have all the attention and since I garner alot of it she's gotta be overly annoying. So snake in the grass I am, cause when you do that sort of shit to me (cause yes, I take it personally)I'm just on the sides waiting to strike. I wont stoop to the same level and go out of my way to be overly abnoxious or bubbly to get back the attention of others...I just go straight to the source. I don't know, that's just how I see it when I do a re-run in my head. Like on 'Crocodile Hunter'...when he's watching the Cobras or Vipers and they're swaying or laying low until the time is right, and then b/f you know it they have their fangs stuck in your neck (or wherever) and you're trying to pry them loose b/f the venom takes hold...well that's how it feels @ least. I really like snakes you know...

2 1/2 more hours till my food time. What torture.

Hey, I should leave on a positive here. All that snake imagery was kinda evil. See what this weather can do to me! So, aside from all the shit that some people do to piss me off. I really do love people and wish them well...especially my famiy and those very close to me. As I was working out, pushing like a mad woman on the spin bikes I prayed for everyone I know. I consider myself spiritual...I don't agree with organized religions b/c I think you really can lose the message in them but...I feel most spiritual and euphoric when I'm pushing my body to it's limits. So, I prayed for the well being of everyone I knew and for myself. I prayed to whoever it is that is 'god'...to the universe that is so magnificent that I can't even grasp the craziness of it...and while I did, I felt like I was floating. I didn't feel any pain as I was pushing myself and my legs were burning from muscle fatigue...and I felt like I could do anything. I felt so much love and confidence and hope and faith and determination...I knew where I wanted to be and I prayed for it, and I knew how I wanted those I love to live and I prayed for that too. And when I was finished, the pain came flooding back to my legs and I could feel my heavy breathing again and I was lowered, mentally, to the ground again...but, I was finished and I was content.

find your element at mutedfaith.com. <�> CLG aka CAT XXX