2001-12-10, 10:18 a.m.: twisted mind, body and soul...

I am suffering from some sort of mental anxiety or depression. It's not major, but it's definately affecting my relations with people and how I'm going on day to day. I think alot of it has to do with the way some behave around me. I have to learn to just accept the way people are and stay strong in who I am. There's a lunar eclipse coming up in 5 days and maybe that also has soemthing to do with it..all i know is that I feel as if I'm in a transission stage and I hope I come out of it okay.

Friday was bull shit...my junkie addict of a sister pulled a freak attack @ my house and my poor little 7 yr old had to fucking witness her psychotic fucking behavior. I personally cannot stand it and the fact that she doesn't even consider the effects it has on her disgusts me even more. BUt then I'm not exactly in her head either...but she could practise some fucking restraint when the little ones around. I saty @ my house b/c I feel as if I can protect my little sister, but the more I stay the more I HAVE to get involved in things that go on...which of cousre I always get shit on for. So it never works out as a benefit...sometimes I think I just make it more complicated, but my intentions are good.

Saturday @ school I did alot of cuts...I fucked up on this one guy, well I didn't exactly fuck up but he told me to cut it a certain way and I did. In the end it looked awful and I was pissed b/c I felt bad that I didn't make him look better. So I mulled that over in my brain for 4 hrs and decided that I just followed what he wanted. Next time though I will suggest something different. I can't bear to let another one go like that.

Saturday night I saw my ex, but I was so over stressed that I had no desire for sex. I was so upset b/c that never happens, I knew something was seriously up. I kept getting semi panic attacks and I was mentally and physically fucked. I just had too much SHIT on my mind and in my soul. I was not impressed with myself. I should have just stayed home by my damn self. Actually that may have made it worse.

Today I will try to start my week on a good note so that it can continue through out. Tonight @ the gym I'm going to work my fucking ass off...get my happy chemicals rushing through this stressed brain of mine. I wish I could just work out all the time...I would be happy forever.

It's T's b-day today. She keeps asking if somethings wrong and as much as I would like to finalize her concerns, I want to wait until a/f her party thing. I don't want to really ruin her night, but I do want her to know that I was offended. That instead of planning a b-day night for HERSELF based on someone else's night out...she should have waited and planned one with me, her supposed good friend whom she totally over looked to satisfy the needs of someone else. It's hard for me to hide my feelings...I told her that it wasn't worth talking a/b now, but later. She knows though, or @ least she has some idea.

Blah BLah BLah......I'm going to go now...

CLG aka CAT XXX ;-)~